Caution: Results Of Idiocy May Vary
by thoughtless dreamer
Summary: Desperate times calls for desperate measures..or, Luxord is forced to take away certain privileges from an uncooperative Xigbar. And as time goes on and neither gives in, well THAT'S when Xigbar starts getting desperate. Warnings inside. Happy XigLux Day!


**Disclaimer**: I do not own Kingdom Hearts, but my sister and I firmly hold our claims to the theory that Xigbar and Luxord's Somebodies are none other than Tulio and Miguel form El Dorado.

Jessie: Actually, we're at the point where we have no doubts as to the validity of said speculation.

Joh: No, really, just watch El Dorado, and you'll realize just why both this concept and this couple works.

Jessie: You'll understand.

Joh: We're quite sure.

J Twins: **Nod sagely**

**Warnings**: **Yaoi**, language, and death threats (courtesy of Zexion)

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"Xigbar, for the love of all things good, would you _please_ get off your bloody arse and clean up your room!" Luxord sighed exasperatedly upon opening the door to The Freeshooter's bedroom to find his lover still lazing about.

Really, was it too much to ask? Well, it must've seemed so to Number II, seeing as this was the _fifteenth time this week_ that he'd had to ask.

"Nice t'see you too, babe," Xigbar greeted, grinning impishly as he unabashedly let his eyes roam over the approaching blond; only meeting the Englishman's angry gaze when he'd stopped directly in front of him, hands on his hips.

"I hope you know just how absolutely _ridiculous_ you're acting—I can't _believe_ I actually have to treat a grown man like a _four year old_," Luxord explained, crossing his arms huffily.

"Better yet, I can't believe I'm _sleeping_ with said idiot," he continued under his breath, flushing slightly. Xigbar blinked his good eye before leering.

"Psh, as _if—_you know you love me, lil' Miss Prim 'n Proper," Xigbar scoffed, reaching out to grab Luxord's waist and pulling him onto the bed with an indignant squawk.

"Xigbar, cut it out," Luxord hissed angrily as he flushed furiously (but whether it was from embarrassment or anger, Xigbar never really could tell), smacking the heavily scarred man's hands away before gathering himself back onto his feet.

"Aww, c'mon Lux—just one fuckin' round, I'm so _bored_," Xigbar whined, before stopping abruptly as his brain processed the sentence.

"Whoa dude, no pun intended, seriously…but that was still pretty good," he chuckled, before returning his golden gaze to his frowning boyfriend.

"If you're so bored, you can clean up your room," Luxord replied breezily, before turning to leave so as not to distract the gunman from his task.

"Like hell I'd choose cleanin' over fu--"

"Xigbar, if I hear one more complaint about it, I _swear, _I'll…"

"You'll what, Blondie?" Xigbar challenged, lifting an eyebrow at the irate gambler.

"I'll… I'll…" Luxord struggled for a moment, before an idea dawned on him, and he fixed the other Nobody with a serious stare.

"I won't lend you any gambling money."

Xigbar met Luxord's gaze just as unwaveringly, trying to determine as to whether or not the man was serious. At last, he let out a scoff.

"Bullshit. I ain't cleanin' nothin'."

"Then say goodbye to whatever valuable possessions you own," Luxord said airily before starting out the door.

"What the hell're you talking about?" Xigbar asked bewilderedly.

"Why, I assumed you'd need to find _some_ _other _way to help pay off all those debts you owe to Xaldin and Axel," Luxord replied, glancing back innocently at the now-speechless man before turning around to saunter out the door looking rather smug.

A stream of rather colorful language followed him down the hall, giving a passing Demyx reason to stop and stare in awe at the door to his superior's room (but only for a moment, as an accompanying Zexion continued on, pulling his dumbstruck blond along).

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Luxord was a very patient person. Honestly, he was. The other Nobodies of the Castle were especially convinced of this, seeing as he'd chosen to put up with Xigbar.

But, like anyone else, he had his limits.

Which, as of late, had been tested more and more frequently.

So it was understandable that he'd cracked after not the first, not the fifth and _certainly_ not the tenth, but the _twenty-second_ time Xigbar had snuck up on him via the ceiling, the walls and the floor that day.

"Let me get this straight. You _never_ considered –not even for a second– that instead of wasting all this time pestering me, you could've devoted that time to _cleaning,_ like I've _asked_ you so many times these past two weeks?" Luxord asked incredulously, regarding his lover (seated comfortably on the ceiling) reprovingly from where he stood with crossed arms on the floor.

"Are you _kidding_ me? And miss the chance to stare at your ass instead?" Xigbar replied just as disbelievingly.

"Am I to assume that you find my leather clothing distracting?' Luxord asked as he gestured at his own (cloak-less, yet still very much leather clad) figure, sighing in defeat when Xigbar retorted with a playfully emphatic "_fuck,_ yeah!"

"Then I guess I have no choice but to stop wearing them until you pick up your room, you prick," Luxord snapped, turning on his heel to stomp back down the way he'd come.

"Wha—_no!_ Aww, _c'mon_ Lux, don't do that to me!" Xigbar yelled unhappily, frowning when there was no response.

"…Do I at least get my gambling privileges back, then?"

"_**NO.**_**"**

"Damn it!"

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"That is _it,_ Xigbar!" Luxord exploded furiously when he walked into The Freeshooter's room, only to find that it still appeared as though Xaldin had come in and thrown a particularly nasty fit.

Xigbar glanced up from where he was flipping through a magazine he'd picked up in Twilight Town, looking genuinely surprised at his boyfriend's uncharacteristic outburst.

"Uhhh…whatever it is…would sex make it better?" Xigbar suggested, for once managing to keep the hopefulness in his voice down to a minimum.

Luxord stared at him blankly, before slowly shaking his head.

"I honestly didn't think it'd have to come to this…" he muttered disbelievingly before heaving a huge breath.

"Xigbar, I'm not sleeping with you until you clean your room."

A full minute of silence passed, before Xigbar burst out laughing hysterically.

"For fuck's sake, Luxord, I thought you were actually serious for a moment! I mean, _shit_, you shoulda seen the look on your—"

"**I'm. Not. Joking."**

It was only after Luxord had stormed out, slammed the door behind him and his furious stomps down the hall had faded, that the reality of the situation hit a stunned Xigbar, who at last managed a weak "…Oh."

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"This is dumb…" Xigbar grumbled as he stuffed a pile of sheets into a laundry bag.

"If _you _think that this is dumb, how preposterous do you think _I_ feel it is?" Luxord remarked easily, turning to raise an eyebrow at his lover from where he was currently organizing Xigbar's dresser.

"…Uh…pretty dumb?"

"…I might stress my sentiments a bit more, but yes, Xigbar—'pretty dumb,'" Luxord agreed, pausing in folding a shirt to consider the suggestion before returning to the task; really, Xigbar was amazed that his blond was even helping him in the first place after how badly he'd pissed him off a week prior.

Yes, the gunman quickly (**re**)discovered that Luxord's self-control appeared to be one of his strong points, where his was…well…non-existent.

Not that he _**hadn't**_ tried to battle said restraint. He had. On numerous occasions.

Like, say…

While walking down the hallway.

(He'd gotten slapped.)

During a mission.

(He'd earned a swift kick to the shins for that one.)

While gambling.

(He'd become heavily indebted to said lover for the first time since they started sleeping together.)

During a meeting.

(He'd gotten a knee to the groin upon being dismissed)

By hitting on Demyx.

(That had _undoubtedly_ been one of the most stupid advances he'd ever tried, seeing as Luxord hadn't even been paying attention. Oh, but _**Zexion**_ had. He'd earned the unique privilege of seeing firsthand—via an illusion—the slow and torturous death he would suffer should he make the same mistake twice.)

Yep, Xigbar had quickly come to terms with the idea that maybe it would be in his best interest to just do as his lover said.

The two progressed in relative silence for another ten minutes—Luxord was relatively sure the master of space was busy wallowing in self-pity—before he felt an arm wrap around his waist.

He jumped in surprise at the stealth at which his lover had approached (hey, Xigbar wasn't referred to as the resident ninja for nothing) but immediately began struggling to pull away.

"Xigbar, get off," Luxord demanded firmly as he tried to pry Xigbar's arm from his waist, turning his head away from where Xigbar had rested his chin on his shoulder to fix him with a suggestive grin.

"Hey, hey, hey! I've done a lil' bit for _you_," Xigbar insisted, his free hand idly toying with the hem of Luxord's rather low-cut shirt. Luxord opened his mouth to remind his boyfriend just how _little_ that "little bit" they'd gotten done was, but Xigbar's hand slipped beneath his shirt, fingers wandering across the smooth expanse of skin they found there--and suddenly Luxord found he couldn't make a sound, let alone _speak_.

"So it's _only_ _fair_ that you do a lil' bit for _me_, right?" Xigbar finished, pressing a teasing kiss to the corner of the Englishman's mouth.

"Xigbar, you…y—_ngh_—you're being a right bast_ahhh_," Luxord trailed off, still squirming to get out of his lover's grasp, albeit much more half-heartedly.

"You like it, you closet kink," Xigbar teased, enjoying the way the gambler shuddered when his hand began an abrupt journey southward.

Xigbar's hand paused in surprise when his fingers slipped beneath Luxord's pants, making the blond toss his head back against his lover's shoulder in agitation.

"Xigbar; if you do not keep going _**right**__ now_, so help me, I will _**never**__ let you touch me __**again**_," Luxord groaned,

"_Impatient _much, Lux?" Xigbar grinned impishly before he cupped the gambler's arousal, his grin suddenly becoming smug.

"Heh, I _knew_ you couldn't have _that_ much self-control," he said knowingly, nipping Luxord's ear affectionately as his fingers closed around the blonde's length at last.

"Shut up," Luxord managed to gasp out between increasingly labored breaths, his hands clenching and unclenching at his sides.

Now that he was absolutely sure that Luxord no longer had any intentions of escaping, he removed the arm that had up until now been wrapped around Luxord's waist and instead turned the other Nobody's head towards his own to capture Luxord's mouth in a headed kiss. Luxord responded immediately, eagerly parting his lips before Xigbar had the chance to ask permission.

"More, please _more_, oh Xigbar _**please**_," Luxord begged against the gunman's lips, arching his hips forward into Xigbar's hand. The long-haired man instantly complied, quickening his pace and pressure.

By this point Luxord was rendered incoherent, and could only make small sounds of bliss as he gasped, which Xigbar couldn't help but grin at.

The tension of not having engaged in any sexual activity whatsoever for an entire week (and after he'd become accustomed to Xigbar's preference for rather frequent engagements, too) resulted in Luxord's release very quickly.

Luxord collapsed back against Xigbar for support as his knees had gone weak beneath him, and the sniper held him closely, kissing the nape of the Gambler of Fate's neck.

And suddenly Luxord had slipped agilely from Xigbar's grasp, and had smoothed down his clothes and was headed for the door.

Xigbar blinked.

And blinked again.

And blinked once more for good measure.

It was only when he saw Luxord halfway out the door that he felt he had to question just _what_ _the fuck_ had just happened.

"What the hell, Lux?" Xigbar demanded, looking rather put off.

"What did I tell you, love? You can clean your own room, you conniving _arsehole_—you can find me when you're _done_, Xigbar. Oh, and don't worry—I'll be just as eager as you are if not _more_ so for us to pick up where we left off," Luxord informed his befuddled boyfriend cheerily before closing the door behind him.

Xigbar gawked at the bedroom door for a full three minutes in disbelief before cursing.

"Fucking Brit…" he muttered as he hastened to finish his initial task; however, he couldn't help the admiring tone his words held or the grin that was suddenly plastered to his face.

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Jessie: Yeah, I only just realizeda few hours ago just what today's date represented.

Joh: Good job, Jessie.

Jessie: I've gotta that my Xiggy for the idea for this one; this story was inspired by my desperate pleading for an idea for a oneshot as well as a picture she drew yesterday.

Joh: My Demy loves her Xiggy.

Jessie: I really do. And this is dedicated to her, 'cause I said I'd write her a XigLux story! Love you, Xiggy!

Joh: I thought _I_ was your One True Love.

Jessie: Baby, you _**know**_ my true OTP will always be SoraxDemyx!

J Twins: **Giggle over favorite crack parings**

_**Please Review**_


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